This blog is for satirical purposes only, and a “good laugh”. In no way is it intended to encourage drinking or other raucous behavior.
Ladies and gentlemen of the Oxford community, we are currently in the midst of an ongoing social suicide as Ole Miss moves down the Princeton Review’s List of Top Party Schools from #3 in 2012 to a newfound low at #14 in this year’s rankings. Long before the Review first ruined the art of partying by making it a genuine “sizing” contest, Ole Miss has lived up to reputation of never having lost a party. Yet the current student body seems to have dropped the ball, leaving countless alumni to question the well being of their alma mater. In contrast, there are those who see the recent decline in partying nobility as a successful change in policy.
Continued pressure from the mayor, (Supreme Commander Patterson) the Oxford Police Department, and campus administrators has pushed Ole Miss down the highly popular list determined by a survey of 122,000 students, comparing American universities on topics such as alcohol and drug use, hours of study time each day, and the popularity of the Greek systems.
The University of West Virginia tops out this year’s list, leading our nation’s pack of lazy, dope smoking, binge drinking, frat boys. Just two years ago, all the nobodies at the University of Illinois’ Champaign-Urbana campus couldn’t be found on anyone’s party radar, but after putting together a three-year plan to morph this research-intensive college into a full fledged party scene, these Yankees have moved their way up the charts to the #4 party school in the country. So what has Ole Miss and Oxford been doing to help recover our powerhouse partying status? Absolutely nothing.
In fact, Oxford police and Ole Miss counselors maintain that “the party” is over, as they work diligently to get a handle on our prolific partying culture. OPD is out on the prowl looking to scoop up “wasted walkers” attempting to get home on foot, as the number of DUI’s continues to skyrocket. The numbers aren’t quite as accessible for all the WalkingUI’s, StandingUI’s, LeaningUI’s, and BreathingUI’s handed out each night on the Square. With multiple fraternities facing probation in the fall, it really seems like “the party” is coming to a close.
Yet this is nothing we cannot overcome, as Ole Miss Rebels have grown accustomed to finding their way around roadblocks and other disadvantages along the way. Compared to other schools, our overall alcohol consumption ratings have already faced crippling competitive setbacks due to Oxford’s lack of cold beer, a ban on keggers, early closing hours for bars, and prohibitive Sunday alcohol purchasing laws. So for all the Jay Gatsby’s out there on fraternity row, don’t give up hope, the party is just getting started.
If you back a dog into a corner, sure enough it’s going to bite. And that’s exactly what the Rebel party goers plan to do this coming fall. With Robert Nkemdiche leading the #5 recruiting class in the nation, and a butt-load of other knuckleheaded freshman headed for dorm life, this town better buckle their seat belts for a wild ride this coming football season. As for the upperclassmen, it’s not about what this school can offer to you. Its what your party can offer this school. If we expect to move back up Princeton Review’s list of party schools, consider what you are contributing as an individual. How many beers have you shot-gunned tonight? How unprepared for tomorrow’s accounting exam are you? Do you have an extra “Alcohol and Other Drug Violation” strike to spare? It’s the smallest of details that matters the most.
So I leave you all with an important question from Bluto: “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” No, because when the goin’ gets tough, there’s only one thing left to do…”
William Fowler is a junior Integrated Marketing Communications Major at the University of Mississippi. Originally from Hattiesburg, MS, William grew up in Destin, FL and has been visiting Oxford ever since he can remember. He is involved in student government and Greek life on campus. Email William Fowler at email@example.com