Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Attention Deficit Delight, Vol. 11: Peeling the Big Orange

Who forgot to lock the Vaught?
Who forgot to lock the Vaught?

Undiagnosed, disconnected thoughts of the moment …
I wish we would play Tennessee every year. I tend to find their fans easier to like than those of Alabama and LSU. Maybe it’s just because we don’t play each other every year and haven’t been able to really fertilize an unhealthy hatred. I am aware that a certain contingent of their fan base considers the state of Mississippi and Ole Miss to be inferior underlings in the SEC food chain, but then again, I’m pretty sure every SEC school has the same view of us.
At any rate, I really enjoyed Dan Patrick’s interview with Tennessee native Bo Wallace, who grew up as a Tennessee Volunteers fan before becoming a Rebel. Bo was affable and diplomatic, other than standing by his disdain for Mississippi State.
I’m just glad Dan Patrick didn’t ask Bo about his conspicuous camel toe, which can be seen clearly in this video at about the 0:25 mark. And the waist on those jeans is higher than Woody Harrelson in a treehouse.

I find it hard to summon any significant hate for Tennessee. Perhaps that’s because the first thing I think of is Charlie Daniels and his Volunteer Jam concerts. Maybe it’s because when I see Charlie sit in with the Marshall Tucker Band, they seem to be rolling as hard as the Rebs, 24 hours at a time.

And Tennessee is the state that gave us the overflowing cup of goodness that was Memphis wrestling. Then again, Tennessee did take the life out of Hank Jr. Deduction of points.

Then there’s the matter of the UT fan strategically releasing a photo this week allegedly depicting Robert Nkemdiche taking a bong hit earlier this year. Oh, my. Did the Vols learn nothing from the “Archie Who?” backfire? I don’t know whether Big Bob took a hit or not, but I know he’ll be delivering some hits on Saturday. I suppose we have no choice at this point but to destroy Big Orange. The only thing getting smoked on Saturday will be whoever has a “T” on his helmet and a ball in his hands. And the Vols will only dream of hitting a bowl at the end of the season. I see Big Bob morphing into Jefferson from Ridgemont High. They might as well have destroyed his Camaro.

Wait, Spicoli…bong…pissed off star player? X Files material. Maybe there’s much more at play here than we even know.

Which reminds me of something completely unrelated: The so-called “Affordable” Care Act is getting after me without Vaseline on my insurance premiums, reminding me of a profound revelation Jeff Spicoli once uttered, paraphrasing another famous Jefferson: “Hey! We left this England place ’cause it was bogus. So, if we don’t get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we’ll just be bogus, too.”

— Tad Wilkes, tad.wilkes@hottytoddy.com
Tad Wilkes is a journalist, lawyer, and songwriter known as Moon Pie Curtis living in Oxford. Follow him on Twitter @moonpiecurtis.

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