Friday, June 9, 2023

Heaton: Recognize the 5 Southern Warning Signs in a Discussion


Let’s imagine you’re an Ohio State Alumni as a guest on a golf trip down South. During a discussion about football (what else!), you’ve noticed that the room has suddenly cleared out, but cannot fathom why. Here’s a breakdown of what could have happened.

Guest: The Big 10 is the toughest football conference.

Member: That sticks in my throat like a hair on a biscuit.


Guest: I should know because I started a fantasy football league.

Member: My dog sleeps in the garage but that doesn’t make him a truck.


Guest: I would have played in high school but my mom made me quit.

Member: You know as much about football as a hog knows about Sunday.


Guest: I’m in the game, I’m an assistant coach in little league.

Member: If I want your opinion on football, I will unscrew the top of your head and dip it out.


Guest: The SEC is a bunch of overrated wussies.

Member: If you don’t stop, I’ll tear your arm off and beat you to death with the bloody stump.

Note: At this point, the room is empty.


Ladies might say, “Bless your heart”* after the first comment, and there would be no need for further discussion.

*Bless your heart: a term of concern or contempt. At the end of a phrase such as: “She likes her cocktails – bless her heart.” The phrase conveys a level of concern. On the other hand, if “Bless your heart” follows a statement by another person it is often meant to be in contempt. For example if someone said to a Southerner: “I don’t understand the fuss about college football.” The Southerner will likely respond with: “Why, bless your heart.” Translated to a northern dialect this means: “You are a freaking idiot.”

coverv2.0Tim Heaton is a contributor and can be reached at His new book, “Momma n’ Em Said: The Treasury of Southern Sayings” is available on Amazon.