In light of the suspension of NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams for claiming he shot down 10 MIGs while piloting his personal F-15 over Crimea on a recent family vacation, I met with my close circle of advisers and confidants: my phrenologist, Dr. Hans O’Cranium; my political consultant Phil A. “Buster” Mignon; and my shrink and fellow Mensa member Dr. Sara E. Bellum. They advised me to come clean to my adoring public and admit to lies I have told in my life, including pre-varications and post-varications.
It is with a heavy heart, a heavier liver, and an overactive bladder that I reveal these lies from my past, with an apology to my devoted followers:
1. In my interview with the Wall Street Journal in 2003, I did not claim to be part of the Human Genome Project that completed the map of human DNA and genetic structure. I distinctly recall telling the reporter I was Chief of Research for the Human Gnome Project, wherein my team published a demographic study of the tiny elfin creatures who live underground throughout the world, one of whom works for Travelocity. My lie was not correcting the false narrative in the news story, and thereafter in making stuff up when people sent me their DNA and asked what was wrong with them. I’m sorry I lied, but I still giggle when I think of some of the things I told those people about their genetic makeup.
2. In discussing the election of Pope Francis in 2013, I lied when I told Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show that I had been “strongly considered at the Vatican.” It is true I was in Rome during Pope Francis’s selection process, and I did spend time with the College of Cardinals. However, it was because I mistakenly believed that the St. Louis professional baseball team ran a university in Rome and I wanted to enroll. My bad.
3. When I was four-years-old, as I sat between my father and mother on the front bench seat of our Pontiac, my father removed his left hand from the giant steering wheel and held his nose, rolled down his window, and looked accusingly at me. I knew there was no way he could prove it was me with my mother sitting there, ignoring the entire event as if it never happened. I shrugged and blinked innocent eyes at Dad. Now, I realize how dishonest that was. So, yes, I admit I did it. And I might as well admit I’ve done it many times since then. Sometimes in elevators.
4. I lied in the eulogy I gave in 2011 at Kim Jong-Il’s funeral when I said I played golf with him when he made five holes-in-one in an 18 hole round. I lied when I said I was competing in the match with him when he bowled a perfect 300 score. I also lied when I told his son Kim Jong-Un after the funeral that everyone in the U.S. thinks Dennis Rodman is cool.
5. I lied to Muammar Gaddafi in 2011 when he called my cell to ask me if I thought it was safe to come out of the culvert.
6. I lied to Chris Christie when he asked me if I thought he looked better since he had his stomach stapled. I also lied when he asked me if I thought hugging Cowboys owner Jerry Jones made him look awkward and showed how short his arms are.
7. I lied in 2006 when I assured the President of the International Astronomical Union that no one would care if they declared that Pluto was no longer a planet, just a large object in the Kuiper Belt. Now, when I see grown men burst into tears upon hearing Pluto called a “dwarf planet,” I realize the damage I wantonly inflicted
So, there they are. My lies laid bare for all to see. I regret telling these whoppers and guarantee you, my loyal devotees, I will never lie again.
Michael Henry is a HottyToddy.com contributor and can be reached at email@example.com. A graduate of Tulane and Virginia Law School, Henry published his seventh novel, Finding Ishmael, in April, 2014.