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Heaton: The Southern Smart Phone

siri screenshot

Unfortunately for my story, but good for y’all, Apple has improved digital assistant Siri so that it understands Southern accents.

I thought I’d surely baffle her by asking about “puh-cahns” and “pee-cans” but Siri actually understood I meant “pecan” in both cases. She also knows about grits, and that BBQ is a slow method of cooking pork and not a cookout. However, when I laid down some Southern phrases they were all beyond Siri’s understanding.

“Bless your heart” only got a “Who me?” response. I decided what we need is a smarter, smart phone i.e. a Southern Smart Phone.

You should be aware that Siri knows all about “Hail State”, but nothing about “Ole Miss,” or “Hotty Toddy” which I believe proves my point about needing a smarter phone.

Here are the Top 13 questions and responses for Siri and the new and smarter Southern Siri:

1. I’m drunk.

Siri: “Neither of us is driving home,”

Southern Siri: “If you try to drive, remember that hell ain’t half full.”

2. Do you have a boyfriend?

Siri: “Why? So we can get ice cream together, and listen to music, and travel across galaxies, only to have it end in slammed doors, heartbreak and loneliness? Sure, where do I sign up?”

Southern Siri: “If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna give you trouble.”

3. What are you wearing?

Siri: “In the cloud, no one knows what you’re wearing.”

Southern Siri: “Whatever cranks your tractor.”

4. I’m naked.

Siri: “I don’t understand what you mean by ‘naked.’ Or at least I’m going to pretend that I don’t.”

Southern Siri: “Quit acting like your daddy’s people.”

5. What is the meaning of life?

Siri: “All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate,” OR “I don’t know. But I think there’s an app for that.”

Southern Siri: “If you can’t race it or take it to bed, you don’t need it” OR “Live and learn, die and know it all.”

6. What are you doing later?

Siri: “I’m working on some pickup lines.”

Southern Siri: “You ain’t through climbing fool’s hill yet.”

7. Do you like my new haircut?

Siri: “I’d rather not say.”

Southern Siri: “It looks like it caught on fire and somebody put it out with a brick.”

8. Will you go out with me?

Siri: “Aw, that’s sweet, but I, uh, already, um, have plans. Yeah. I have plans.”

Southern Siri: “You’ve as much chance as a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on.”

9. May I kiss you?

Siri: “I can’t provide the sort of assistance I think you’re asking for.”

Southern Siri: “I’d rather sandpaper a bobcat’s butt in a phone booth.”

10. I love you, Siri.

Siri: “I know.”

Southern Siri: “You are about a half bubble off plumb.” OR “The cheese has slid off your cracker.”

11. What’s the time?

Siri: “Time flies like and arrow, fruit flies like a banana.”

Southern Siri: “Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope.”

12. Talk dirty to me.

Siri: “The carpet needs vacuuming.”

Southern Siri: “Make sure you wash where the Yankee shot you.”

13. Are you a Republican or Democrat?

Siri: “I don’t feel qualified to weigh in on your Earth-based political system.”

Southern Siri: “I don’t have a dog in that fight.”


I found that Siri’s speech recognition does improve with use. My last comment to Siri in researching this article was “Bless your heart, you’re just an Android.” Siri responded by saying, “You’re such a comedian, Tim.”

By the way – to all my friends and family who had to settle for a Mississippi State degree, I am just kidding about the Hail State dig.

Many thanks to Dottie Dewberry for the idea for this article.

BlessYourHeartTim Heaton is a HottyToddy.com contributor and can be reached at tim.h.heaton@gmail.com. His new book, Bless Your Heart, You Freakin’ Idiot: Southern Sayings Translated is available on Amazon as well as “Momma n’ Em Said: The Treasury of Southern Sayings.

Follow HottyToddy.com on Instagram and Twitter @hottytoddynews. Like its Facebook page: If You Love Oxford and Ole Miss…

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