Communication Addiction Disorder or “Talkaholism”, affects 300 million people. In a strange twist, 300 million the number of the most active Twitter accounts, and the population of Americans living outside Dixie.
Here then are the Southern expressions used to describe those afflicted with Communication Addiction Disorder:
1. Ask him the time and he’ll tell you how to build a watch.
Depending on the complexity of the movement, it can take 18 months to build a timepiece like the TOURBOGRAPH “Pour le Mérite”.
2. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
The gastrointestinal system of a horse measures, on average, 100 feet and holds approximately 48 gallons of fecal matter.
3. Could lick a skillet in the kitchen from the front porch.
A shotgun shack had the kitchen in back of the house, so that to reach it would take a tongue of about 30 feet – that’s chatty.
4. Full of gas with nowhere to go.
The most popular basket balloons can carry up to 35 people and has 99,000 cubic ft. of gas.
5. Got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.
Sharks typically have two or three rows of mature teeth.
6. He blew in on his own wind.
“It’s a mistake to think that the blowhards who call in speak for the nation.” -Donella Meadows
7. He could talk the gate off its hinges.
”The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” -George Bernard Shaw
8. He could talk the hide off a cow.
”If talk is cheap, then being silent is expensive. And many people it seems, can’t afford to buy into it.” -Anthony Liccione
9. He could talk the legs off a chair.
”When an illiterate gets angry, you’ll get to understand that calmness is probably a sign of education.” -Michael Bassey Johnson
10. He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
Fact: Steven Woodmore holds the record for being able to articulate 637 words per minute, a speed four times faster than the average person.
11. He will talk your ear off.
”The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” -George Bernard Shaw
12. He’d drive a wooden Indian crazy.
Fact: As early as the 17th century, European tobacconists used figures of American Indians to advertise their shops.
13. He’s a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples.
”They think they can make fuel from horse manure now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.” -Billie Holiday
14. He’ll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.
”Not every person that speaks less than you do is more ignorant than you are.” -Mokokoma Mokhonoana
15. He’s a live dictionary.
“The chief drawback with men is that they are too talkative.” -Marilyn Monroe
16. He’s got a tengallon mouth.
”Those who say don’t know, those who know don’t say.” -Michael Lewis
17. Her mouth is going like a bell clapping out of a goose’s arse.
”Those that know ain’t telling me…or you.” -Tim Heaton
18. Her mouth runs like a boarding house toilet.
Note: A running toilet can waste 80,000 gallons of water a month.
19. His tongue wags at both ends.
”But always, it has been truly said, the savage is talkative about his mythology and taciturn about his religion.” -G.K. Chesterton
20. If bullshit were music, he’d have a brass band!
”Knowledge is talkative, refuses to shut up… Wisdom is so subtle, refuses to be invisible.” -Abha Maryada Banerjee,
21. She beats her own gums to death.
Rather than: She could talk the legs off an iron pot.
22. She could talk a coon right out of a tree.
Rather than: She talk the hind leg off a donkey.
23. She speaks ten words a second with gusts to fifty.
”The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” -George Bernard Shaw
24. So windy he could blow up an onion sack.
In Blue Hill, Nebraska, it is illegal for a woman “wearing a hat that would scare a timid person” to eat onions in public.
25. They were vaccinated with a Victrola.
Tungsten was the common material for photograph needles, but for audiophiles of the period, soft wood-like fiber needles were also available for the Victrola. Although gave great sound, they dulled very quickly and had to be replaced or resharpened.
26. Windy as a sack full of farts.
According to NASA, human flatus is about seven percent methane, but (pun intended) also includes nitrogen, CO2, oxygen, and a large amount of Hydrogen.
Have you seen this man? Tim Heaton is looking for a position back down South.
Tim’s colleagues describe him as “ridiculously motivated” renaissance man with superb communication, team-building and leadership skills. He is a recognized expert in leveraging technology for organizations from athletics to high finance, and has been awarded 17 US Patents in technology. Tim is a contributing writer to HottyToddy.com and actively volunteers his technical, database and social media expertise to several nonprofits in his current home in New Jersey and in his home state of Mississippi. He is also a published author, chef and physical fitness enthusiast.
Tim and his wife Linda live in Morristown with their two sons. Tim is also the parent of Dr. Allison Pace DVM of Franklin, TN. Tim Heaton is a graduate of Ole Miss, where he is an active alumnus and supports the university in a variety of public relations efforts. He can be reached at tim.h.heaton@gmail.com.
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