Welcome to the SEC’s finest dining establishment, where the menu changes every Saturday, the prices are outrageous and there’s a decent chance your meal will leave you feeling sick.
This week’s special? Chaos, served with a side of humiliation.
With 16 teams to evaluate and absolutely no health inspector willing to enter the building, we’re turning this week’s SEC power rankings into a restaurant menu.
Some teams belong in a five-star steakhouse. Others belong at the all-you-can-eat buffet. And a few probably shouldn’t be legally allowed to be classified as food.
Bon appétit.
Taylor’s SEC Power Rankings
(Last week’s ranking in parenthesis.)
1. Georgia (2)
- Last week: def. No. 6 Alabama, 20-17
- This week: vs. Auburn
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Menu item: Chef’s signature filet mignon. Perfectly seasoned, expertly prepared and exactly what you’d expect from the most expensive item on the menu. The only complaint is that it’s so consistently good that ordering it has become boring.
2. Alabama (3)
- Last week: lost to No. 2 Georgia, 20-17
- This week: at No. 14 Tennessee
- Menu item: 28-day dry-aged ribeye. An exceptional cut of meat treated with the utmost care and attention that’s priced accordingly. Most of the time its an amazing meal, unless a dog gets its paws on it.
3. Texas (1)
- Last week: lost to Oklahoma, 27-24
- This week: vs. Florida
- Menu item: Tomahawk steak. The menu description is spectacular. The price is outrageous. The waiter promises you’ve never experienced anything quite like it. And it looks spectacular. But somehow, it never lives up to the hype.
4. Ole Miss (4)
- Last week: def. Vanderbilt, 52-17
- This week: vs. No. 13 Missouri
- Menu item: Nashville hot chicken. Explosive flavor, enough heat to make your eyes water and capable of overwhelming just about anything in its path. The problem is that occasionally the kitchen gets carried away and burns the whole thing.
5. Missouri (6)
- Last week: def. Texas A&M, 27-6
- This week: at No. 9 Ole Miss
- Menu item: Slow-cooked brisket. Might not look particularly impressive at first, but give it enough time and it’ll absolutely destroy you. Just ask Texas A&M.
6. Kentucky (8)
- Last week: def. No. 10 LSU, 35-34 (OT)
- This week: at Oklahoma
- Menu item: Bourbon-glazed short ribs. Nobody expected much when ordering this dish, but suddenly it’s competing with the premium entrees and award voters are looking at it like it might be one of the best dishes on the menu.
7. Mississippi State (10)
- Last week: Off
- This week: at No. 22 LSU
- Menu item: 5-pound burrito. The first few bites are spectacular. Fresh ingredients, tremendous flavor and a portion so generous you start wondering why anyone would order something else. Then it goes downhill halfway through, your stomach starts violently protesting, and suddenly the only thing you care about is finding the restroom.
8. Tennessee (9)
- Last week: def. Arkansas, 24-17
- This week: vs. No. 6 Alabama
- Menu item: Sizzling fajita platter. Loud, dramatic and impossible to ignore when the waiter brings it through the dining room. There’s plenty of heat, and the ingredients are good, but sometimes all that smoke and sizzling produces a meal that’s much less impressive than the entrance.
9. LSU (5)
- Last week: lost to Kentucky, 35-34 (OT)
- This week: vs. No. 16 Mississippi State
- Menu item: Bowl of gumbo. All the right ingredients, a famous restaurant and a chef who insists this is the best dish on the menu. Sometimes it looks like it might be. Most of the time, though, you’re questioning the quality of the expensive ingredients.
10. Florida (7)
- Last week: lost to South Carolina, 38-19
- This week: vs. No. 7 Texas
- Menu item: Monday seafood special. Anthony Bourdain famously warned diners of ordering fish specials on Mondays because there was a decent chance it had been sitting in the kitchen since Friday. The waiter insists it’s fresh. The chef swears there’s nothing wrong with it. It may be fine, but don’t be surprised if you’re hugging porcelain for 12 hours.
11. Texas A&M (11)
- Last week: lost to Missouri, 27-6
- This week: vs. The Citadel
- Menu item: $200 gold-leaf steak. Beautiful presentation, expensive ingredients and a server who spends 15 minutes pulling it out of a smoke-filled briefcase. Then once you cut into it, it’s cold, tough and has absolutely no seasoning.
12. Oklahoma (12)
- Last week: def. No. 1 Texas, 27-24
- This week: vs. No. 15 Kentucky
- Menu item: Bread and butter. Basic, hard to not be good. Sometimes though the bread is warm and fresh, the butter is just slightly melted and it’s wonderful.
13. Auburn (13)
- Last week: Off
- This week: at No. 1 Georgia
- Menu item: Collapsed soufflé. It looks promising right up until the slightest pressure is applied. Then everything falls apart.
14. Vanderbilt (14)
- Last week: lost to No. 9 Ole Miss, 52-17
- This week: vs. Arkansas
- Menu item: Artisanal charcuterie board. A nice selection of meats, cheeses and crackers that was all the rage the last two seasons, but the shine has worn off and the cheese looks dried and cracked.
15. South Carolina (15)
- Last week: def. No. 16 Florida, 38-19
- This week: Off
- Menu item: Tableside Bananas Foster. An elaborate dessert made tableside involving setting something on fire. When done correctly, it’s spectacular. When done incorrectly, somebody’s eyebrows are going missing.
16. Arkansas (16)
- Last week: lost to No. 15 Tennessee, 24-17
- This week: at Vanderbilt
- Menu item: Well-done steak special. Not the good cut. The piece of meat the chef keeps in the back for the guy who demands his ribeye be cooked until it resembles a hockey puck. Somehow, it’s still overpriced.
