Chuck Nostradamus Shares 2015 Predictions

For the last time, I am not going to nominate your sorry behind to MENSA. Get it through your thick skull that it’s not like Kiwanis Club. You must be asked to join by a board member, each of whom is infinitely smarter than you. They don’t need to see a transcript of your grades or a printout of your I.Q. test. These people can wander through the general populace and instantly recognize a prospective member—like they did with me. The fact that you can’t understand how they do this is proof that you’re not MENSA material. It’s like a Catch-66.

Take my good friend, Chuck Nostradamus. He’s a long-time member, honor graduate of Notre Dame, and currently the head of something at Our Lady of something or other. He is an indirect descendant, 30 times removed, of Mike Nostradamus, the 16th Century seer who accurately predicted events five hundred years into the future, including the fact that Ishtar would be a box office bomb.

After my controversial presentation on the coalescence of advanced math and music theory at last month’s meeting, Chuck and I were puffing on our meerschaums and chatting. Chuck shared with me the events he expects to occur in 2015.

Henry: What about the stock market in the coming year?

Chuck: The value of stocks and bonds will rise and fall as the tides in the Bay of Fundy.

Henry: Will there be natural disasters?

Chuck: In 2015, there will be tornados in North America and typhoons in Asia. Lava will flow from volcanos, and avalanches will rain snow and mud on the lands below. Fierce winds will plague the prairies, causing flags to wave and wheat to sway. And, most importantly, there will be morning and evening in all days until the end of the year.

Henry: My God, Chuck.

Chuck: Yes. And there will be great upheaval in the delivery of medical services in the United States of America. A plague of forms required by the government will engulf the heartland. The language of the questions will be impenetrable, and coverage for sorely needed procedures will vary from region to region, causing great confusion among the people. Hands will wring and teeth will gnash.

Henry: Will there be a revolution?

Chuck: Indeed. The revolution of the earth around the sun will continue at the rate of 108,000 kilometers per hour, no more, no less. Many people will die in 2015—people who have never died before.

Henry: Holy Cow! What about global conflict?

Chuck: There will be military clashes in the Middle East. Religion will cause much conflict, with the followers of Mohammed pitted against the Jews in Israel and Christians around the world. Blood will be shed inside and outside many sheds. Sheep will be shorn.

Henry: Politics in the United States. What’s in store for us?

Chuck: Family dynasties will assert their power. Those who broadcast the news over the air, the land, and the sea will extol the virtues of the distaff side of the dynastic power sprung from the loins of Arkansas and Illinois. Another dynastic power, one with roots in Texas, Florida, and Maine will rise up with harsh words to smite the other. Many chickens will die in the service of feeding the hordes at functions in hotel ballrooms in furtherance of the dueling dynasties.

Henry: Enjoyed our little visit, Chuck.

Chuck: So let it be written. So let it be done.

I stood to leave and Chuck jumped up, pushing me violently down to the floor, saving me from a giant broccoli-shaped pendulum broken loose from its mooring on the ceiling. I never saw it coming, but said he knew it was going to happen. I dusted myself off and tried to thank him, but Chuck was gone, on his way to buy a Powerball ticket and put a c-note on French Fry in the fifth race at Pimlico.

Mike Henry

Michael Henry a HottyToddy.com contributor. A graduate of Tulane and Virginia Law School, Henry published his seventh novel, Finding Ishmael, in April, 2014.

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