Thursday, July 7, 2022

Investigating Proud Larrys’ New Menu Additions

Spicy Lobster Nachos
Spicy Lobster Nachos

NCAA finds flavor benefits for customers totally permissible—and delicious.

The National Culinary Association of Abbeville (NCAA)* today interviewed Proud Larrys’ Chef Jon Myrick about the restaurant’s recruitment of loyal and new customers. Its findings are that new menu items are “exciting” and do not constitute an “improper benefit,” according to a statement released by the NCAA.

New pizzas including the Bruce (for meat lovers), the Florentine, and the BLT are now on the menu along with the Caprese salad and items that became so popular recently as recurring specials, they made it onto the regular menu, such as Lobster Nachos and Shrimp & Grits.

“We received a tip that people have been going to Larrys’ a lot more often than usual for lunch and dinner, and usually where there’s smoke, there’s fire when you see so many new customer recruits gravitating to one restaurant,” said Clem Swerdloe, chief investigator for the NCAA, as succulent toppings dropped from his mouth like hail onto his Dockers while chewing and speaking simultaneously. “Turns out, it’s just that they’ve got these killer new menu items, such as the Lobster Nachos. I mean, like, dang. And nothing about it is suspicious—it’s all over-the-table.”

Swerdloe reports that he signed a letter of intent to dine at Larrys’ at least three times a week.

— Tad Wilkes,

*Kidding. No such thing. This is a joke satirizing football recruiting investigations. But the new menu items are no joking matter—that part is totally for real.

The paper trail leads to flavor country.
The paper trail leads to flavor country.
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