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Heaton: 17 Unique Southern Terms for Complainers


Some folks love to complain. Kids love to complain!

Around my house these complaints center on: homework (too much), pizza (too little), bed time (too early).

If you feel as if you’re overwhelmed, these Southernisms will help you through anything. Well, anything short of a trip to Disney – for that medication and professional help may be needed.

1. Don’t anything hurt a duck but his bill.

Meaning: Be quiet. A duck can only give up its location if it quacks.

2. Don’t get your bowels in an uproar, your kidneys in a downpour and your liver in a jar.

Meaning: Just relax please.

3. Don’t get your panties in a wad.

Note: What to say if the dance recital is snowed out.

4. Every path has a few puddles.

Meaning: A reminder that life is not going to be free of challenges.

5. If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his ass when he jumped.

Rather than: If, “ifs” and “ands” were pots and pans, there would be no need for tinkers.

6. If the ifs and buts were candy and nuts, everyday would be Christmas.

Note: It is used to express the fact someone has used “if” and “but” too many times.

7. If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.

Note: An English language proverb and nursery rhyme first published in the 16th century.

8. If your aunt had nuts, she’d be your uncle.

Meaning: It’s useless to wish when better results will be achieved through action

9. It’s not what it’s worth; it’s what it’ll bring.

Note: Words you’re likely to hear if you’re pawning your daddy’s watch.

10. Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen.

Rather than: Don’t sweat the small stuff­ and it’s all small stuff.

11. Not ever on a galloping horse.

Meaning: No one will notice, they will be watching something else, i.e. the horse.

12. She could start an argument in an empty house.

Note: Take special note of this advice during family gatherings.

13. They would argue with a stoplight. (Or neon sign)

Meaning: Some people need the last word – even with inanimate objects

14. They would yank out a stop­sign to argue with the hole.

Note: This is an upgrade from “arguing with a stop sign” for sure.

15. The only thing fair in the world is the hair on a Norwegian albino’s butt.

Meaning: That if you think life is unfair, it’s because you may not understand the rules.

16. There’s not much difference between a Hornet and a Yellow Jacket if they’re in your clothes.

Meaning: The problem is you’re being stung ­ by whom doesn’t much matter.

17. Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

Rather than: If wishes were fishes we all wouldn’t starve.


Tim Heaton is an Ole Miss Alumnus from Southaven, Mississippi who supports The Flagship in a variety of public relations efforts. He is a contributing writer to HottyToddy.com and actively volunteers his technical, database and social media expertise to several community service organizations in his current home in Morristown, New Jersey and in his home state of Mississippi. He has been awarded over a dozen US Patents in technology and is also a published author, chef and physical fitness enthusiast.

Follow HottyToddy.com on Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat @hottytoddynews. Like its Facebook page: If You Love Oxford and Ole Miss…

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